Jokes and Humour

[Magyck]

I'm Boooored! *sighs*

has anybody heared of any good jokes lately?? PLEASE no more why did the chicken croos the road jokes! *g* their driving me INSANE!!!!

[Magyck]

I seem to be good at getting bored lately...

hehe... ok, just to get this thread started... an old joke... but always fun!

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How to keep a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglassed on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom, don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something ask if they want that super sized.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sexual favour."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what gender they are.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area & play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, rock hard
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! Won! 3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your childern over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
21. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, it's the voices in your head that do."
22. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.


40 Fun things to do in an elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'
2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
5. Shave.
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
12. Do Tai Chi exercises.
13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, d**n motion sickness!'
15. Meow occasionally.
18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'
19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.
21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.
22. Leave a box between the doors.
23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.
25. Start a sing-along.
26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'
27. Play the harmonica.
28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
29. Lean against the button panel.
30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.
31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
33. Bring a chair along.
34. Blow spit bubbles.
35. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
38. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'
40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'

[Chlexed]

I love them.

My favourite was

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

I had a friend that said that after all of her sentences for an entire day...It gave me a nervous twitch and got a few of the teachers off side. ;D

[C'mon Save Me]

*laughs* come on everyone! I want some joke to read! lol heres some more just to get the ball rolling again.

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Hello welcome to the psychiatric hotline;

If you are obsessive-compulsive,press 1 repeatedly

If you are co-dependant,please ask someone to press 2 for you

If you have multiple personalities,press 3,4,5 and 6

If you are paranoid,we know who you are and what you want.Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional,press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic,listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive,it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic,press 96969696969696

If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.If you have short term memory loss,press 9.

If you have low self esteem,please hang up.All operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you are blonde,don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.


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Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he
jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th,10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

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A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

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Man #1: Did you hear about the new Ford truck?
Man #2: No.
Man #1: Yeah! It has heaters in the bumpers!
Man #2: No kidding! Heaters in the bumpers?!?! I never heard of such a thing!
Man #1: This way, you can keep your hands warm during the winter while you're pushing it to the service station!

[Chlexed]

QUOTE
["Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk"]


Lol I love it, it cracked me up.

Here's a few i found in my travels...


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Making a Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.
The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

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Superman and Batman

Superman once wrote on the wall: "Batman is a wimp."

The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."

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[Magyck]

MATH PROBLEM

This sounds about right:

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100% ?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100% ?

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%


So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, but attitude will gets you there!

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The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because
I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought
the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if
he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I
was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like
crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and
screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my
window and started waving and smiling at all these
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the
love. There must have been a man from Florida back
there because I heard him yelling something about
a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only
his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked
my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant,
he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck
sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned
out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was
enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of
the moment that they got out of their cars and started
walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the
intersection before the light changed again and I felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love
we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck
sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks


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Bloke gets pulled over by the cops.

'What are those knives doing in your car?' asked the officer.

'I juggle them in my act.'

Oh yeah?' says the cop. 'Let's see you do it.'

So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, 'Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!'


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Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 km/h with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!

It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the egg & bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS, causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!

d**n WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!

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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[jenseeka]

i got 2 jokes.... since jokes isn't exactly what I do, I'll just tell you what I know.
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In the pub, one guy walks out of the restroom having gone to the loo and sits at the bar. he orders some more beer and notices another guy drinking the same beer.
1st Guy tells the 2nd guy his name and asks him for his name.
The 2nd guy tells it and the first guy asked which town he was from, and the 2nd guy said so and the other guy said "wow so did I !"
He couldn't help himself and asked where the 2nd guy went to school and he replied. The the first guy exclaimed that he went to that school too.
They next ask each other their own age and were surprised that they indeed were the same age too. They were so surprised that they both passed out at the same time.
The barkeeper ran around to make sure they were ok and some one from another table asked if they were okay and the barkeeper said that they're just the Irish twins got drunk again!

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This blonde lady is at the New York Airport and she walks into the plane and sits in the first class.
She makes herself comfortable until a stewardess sees her overdone makeup and tight clothes, thinking she's a prositute or something and walks up to her asking, "May i have a look at your ticket?"
The blonde obliges and the steward says, "I'm sorry but you're in the wrong class you need to move to the economy class."
The blonde goes, "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm an actress and I'm going to LA. I'm staying here coz i'm a star."
The Stewardess tries to get her to move to the economy part of plane but the blonde wont move. finally the Stewardess goes to her co-worker and explains the problem.
The steward walks up to the blonde asks for the ticket, got it and read it. He then said, "I'm sorry but the ticket says you sit in the economy class not the first class."
The blonde only repeated what she said and the steward begged, bribed and anything but she did not what anything only to sit in the first class.
Frustrated, the steward went to his boss and explained the situation.
The boss then told them to go back to work and went to the blonde and talked. The Stewardess and Steward was trying to over hear but they were busy with their jobs.
They gaped when finally the blonde moved to the economy seats and they rushed to their boss asking how on the planet did he get her to move her seat and the boss replied,
"I told her that the first class is not going to LA, the economy class is."

[Chlexed]

Ok here's a few that absolutely cracked me up.These are things people say and then realise they shouldn't have...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[jo]

i nearly died i laughed so hard, write some more!!

[Chlexed]

Ok I'll go and see if I can find some more....